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she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
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After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
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Since when is my name a synonym for head?
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It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
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Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
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Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
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someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
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This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
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Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever.....She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
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You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening to a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
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True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
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If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
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wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
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but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
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I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
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Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
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You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
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I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
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My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
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My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.....Deal!
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In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
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Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain't got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
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i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
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There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
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whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
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a queef is a wish your heart makes.
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if one drop of semen has more life in it than one drop of blood, why doesnt dracula suck dick?.....And why are you thinking about that?
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I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
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we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
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When i light up a cigarette people look at me like i'm going to pee on their children.
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please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
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Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
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I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
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So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.......dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
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aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
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Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
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Your favorite bartender is back from prison:)
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dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five.....bitch
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we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
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i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
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New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
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glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
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god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
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Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop.....I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
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He has such a weird drunk-voice.....dude, he's deaf.
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Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
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He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
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i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
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hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
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My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
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So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
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he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it...im ashamed your my cousin
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I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
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you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
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Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
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yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
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my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
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I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
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I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
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apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate...Well how do you think I feel...fair enough
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why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
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I wonder if u can grow weed on Farmville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
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i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
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my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
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I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
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Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
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o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
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If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
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Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
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I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
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I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
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I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
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I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
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I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
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Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
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I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
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my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now......I'm on my way.
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You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she said I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
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Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
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i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"
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I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
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Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
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i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
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so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
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and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
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I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
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he said he didn't have a condom -and you said? -that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
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Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
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I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night -and he didn't stop me -How was it?.../Fantastic, but that's not the point.
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i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
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Laying in bed naked with the guy I just f@cked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a f@cking tea party. This is interesting.
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My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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